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| As days go by, I find that more & more people are leaving me. I know it's not forever, but for someone to say goodbye to me when they mean the world to me, simply conveys the word even more permanent. It's radical thinking, I presume. However, when life has been chewing you up in her mouth & hasn't spit you out, who do you turn to when everyone else has been spit out? & how do you recover when you're still stuck in her horrid mouth? Disgusting, I know, but for the most part, terrifying.
How do we deal?
How do I make it out?
How does it all end?
I shall simply stay defiant, if not, I would be but defeated.
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| Yes. I'm one of those girls who get discounts on things I buy at the mall cause the cashier's flirting with me. I'm that girl who guys try to talk to & I have to give them a fake number & an alias. I'm that girl that gets hollered at within 5 minutes of being officially single. I'm that girl who takes "sexy" pictures & posts them on my networking site. I'm that girl who everyone loves when if I was any other girl you'd probably be annoyed. I'm the outgoing one. I'm that girl who usually gets what she wants & gets away with a lot of things. I'm the favorite.
But I'm not shallow. I'm insecure beyond most means. Most times, I feel like I live a double life.
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| This really hurts.
A lot.
"there's something I feel I need to say but up to now I've always been afraid that you would never come around. you say you got the most respect for me but sometimes I feel you're not deserving me & still you're in my heart & you're the only one. there are times when I hate you [& don't want to] complain cause I've been afraid that you'd walk away. sometimes I hate you cause I can't erase the times you hurt me & put tears on my face. even now I might hate you, it pains me to say, I'll be there at the end of the day. I don't wanna be without you babe. I don't want a broken heart. don't wanna take a breath without you baby... I don't want a broken heart."
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| I've never been one for defeat. I'm the girl that, every aspect in life, even in the military, pretty much gets what she wants. I fight for what I want but in this short lifetime of mine, I've never been so defeated so many times & so badly by one person.
I think I've fallen way too deep, alone, in this battlefield without an armor. What little defenses I had, are completely gone. So last night, I gave up. Last night I asked for lies, for him to hurt me, to tell me what he hated about me so I had a reason to leave, to fully turn around because then in my head I was the one fckng up. I couldn't even get that from him.
This whole love thing is torture. Everything I learned, I thought I knew about love fell through the cracks. This hurts more than anything---to want to walk away but knowing you love him too much to permanently walk out of his life... so you're stranded in the middle knowing he makes you the happiest but the pain it comes with, more & more, makes the relationship not worth keeping.
So what do I hold on to? I only have a fraction of my heart left from when I started & it's bleeding. I can't make it stop. How do you give up a fight on love? When do you know you've lost?
Stupid questions my fallen hero already answered more times than I can remember.
Love is only for those who deserve it. So hold on when the only thing left to hold on to is nothing but a grain of sand. A fraction of a heart is more than enough to win a fight, more than enough to love.
You don't give up a fight on love because love doesn't give up on you. It'll hold you, for always whether you choose to or not. You keep giving because love only takes one person to survive, no matter how painful, it'll survive.
So what so I do gramps? Wish you were still here to hold my hand in all of this.
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| I wish someone would take a picture of me & photoshop all my flaws away. Then have some miracle happen & keep it permanent.
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